Intro

In the journey to reawakening your masculinity, you must have the balls to approach and speak to women. Sadly, certain fears and barriers hold us back. These fears can develop during our upbringing and persist through to adulthood. If you’re internally introverted and haven’t had much interaction with women, approaching one can seem like a daunting task.

This post is dedicated to addressing and overcoming said barriers. We’ll cover the following:

1. Fear
2. Avoiding rejection
3. I’m not good enough to speak to anyone
4. I’m not good looking enough
5. I worry what others might think
6. What do I say?
7. I’m not wealthy enough

1. Fear

Like I mentioned in the introduction, we create our own fears through our upbringing and experiences.

When I think of this, it’s ludicrous that I can be hesitant speaking with 50% of the population. As in, it’s not right. I will miss an opportunity to chat with a beautiful girl just because my brain and insides start doing backflips. This is not a way to live. It’s not the way of the Alif.

The Feedback Loop

Let’s bring it back.

Fear is an emotional reaction. A response to an event.

The way humans operate is like this:

Thoughts –> Feelings –> Action –> Results

Our actions are dictated by our thoughts. For example, if you feel shy, your body will adapt to represent that emotional state. You’ll occupy less space, you’ll look down and gravitate towards the corners. This invites negative thoughts about how you’re being perceived which will influence your actions.

Your brain interprets these thoughts and you modify your body language accordingly. This repeats endlessly in a feedback loop.

The moral is that if we want to learn to physically and mentally approach we must change our thoughts. This will then flow into our feelings, our actions then our results.

If you really think about it, most things in life aren’t life-threatening.

Giving a presentation, approaching a girl, asking someone for money is not life-threatening. With this notion in mind, it’s wild that you can seize up when approaching, considering you’re heart will most likely beat tomorrow. Consider how outrageous this sounds and use it to push yourself.

Moving on, if only there was a metric to determine someone’s fear to a stimuli.

The Subjective Units of Distress (SUD) Scale

Developed by Joseph Wolpe, the SUD scale measures an individual’s intensity of distress to an event. It’s used in cognitive behavioral treatments for anxiety disorders but it’s beneficial in this discussion. The scale spans from 0 – 10. A zero means peace, serenity, and complete peace. No anxiety. A 10 represents a nervous breakdown. You start losing your emotions and freaking out. Feel free to examine the spectrum by clicking here.

In order to overcome fear, I present 2 strategies:

1. Imagine the situation going well. You must convert the negatives to positives.
2. Inculcate a feeling of relaxation. The opposite of fear is relaxation. Recall a moment of immense joy and bliss.

Both strategies use The Feedback Loop to our advantage. If were able to manipulate our thoughts with positivity, our actions will change to reflect that. Also visualization exercises help tremendously.

2. Avoiding Rejection

You cannot have all the good with no bad.

You need to be able to approach her and engage in the uncomfortable situation. When I was working in real estate, I was cold-calling and it was the dullest thing you can imagine but my coworker told me something I still recall years later.

Every phone call you don’t close makes you one step closer to one you will close

You got to think of it as a numbers game. You might have to experience the bad before you revel in the good. Besides, the Alif trains himself to do that which is uncomfortable and difficult. In fact, he excels in it.

When the brain presents notions of rejection you have to confront it:

How rational is this fear?

Because remember, you cannot predict the future. The interaction might go better than you envisioned.

Another thing to remember is that the person is not rejecting you personally but your approach, actions, views, or ideas.

The good thing is that all of these can be improved. It’s about seeing what works and what doesn’t. Perhaps your frame was off (this will be discussed in a separate article) or you failed to excite her (this to). Whatever the case, you can’t let rejection permanently bruise you. You brush it off and try again.

A Positive Mindset

It’s vital to adopt a positive mindset.

Say to yourself:

This is either going to go brilliantly or there’ll be an amazing story I get to tell someone

Or:

Hey, you’ll never guess what happened today. I wish the ground had opened up

The latter inserts some humor. This helps in reaching that relaxing state which helps fight fear.

3. I’m not good enough to speak to anyone

NO, that is not true.

The Alif lives in his own world whilst other people are merely guests in it. A girl approaches your world, not the other way around. You must think of it like this:

If you decide to approach someone, their the lucky ones.

You don’t need to qualify yourself for anyone. That interaction will be the highlight of their day. Embody this belief. You’re the prize.

4. I’m not good looking enough

This goes out to all the adequate looking guys out there. You don’t need to look like Chris Evans and you’re at an advantage if you don’t.

Think about it. Society conditions everyone to subscribe to leagues. I acquired this term from Rollo Tomassi in The Rational Male. Essentially, it’s predetermined standards of attraction that everyone must live by. This is clearly demonstrated in Alvin and the Chipmunks. The good-looking chipmunk gets with the female good-looking chipmunk. The fat chipmunk gets with the female fat chipmunk. The chipmunk with the glasses gets with the female chipmunk with the glasses. See what I mean. It’s as if certain people are made for certain people.

Thing is, this is just a social construct. We can use this to our advantage by not even playing the game. For the Alif, no one is off limits and I mean a 10/10.

If you see a short, ugly guy approach a stunning woman your reaction would be:

Dammmmmmm, this guy has some balls

Everyone admires him for his fearlessness and his courage, whilst the women thinks:

Wow this guy has some balls to approach me. I thought I was exclusive guess I’m not.

And Boom! You’re knocked down her ego. She’s not exclusive as she makes it out to be. You subvert expectations and that just skyrockets your attractiveness.

Just to drive this point home, say you do look like Chris Evans (in that case what are you doing reading this article), your looks will only buy you a few seconds. Eventually you must open your mouth and speak. If you can’t hold a conversation, no number of good looks can compensate for that.

5. I worry about what others may think

Combating this fear requires adopting a YOLO attitude.

I’m not saying be rash and wild but understanding that you only have one life to achieve the things you want.

Live for today, plan for tomorrow

There’s approximately 7 billion people on this planet. Chances are if an awkward moment arises, you’ll NEVER see that person again. So no fuss. This is also augmented due to urbanization (see this article).

The Friend or Foe Instinct

You ever step in a room and people just look up at you.

It can feel uncomfortable or intimidating. Thing is, this is natural. People are making immediate judgements about you, determining if you are friendly or dangerous – the friend or foe instinct. This has been embedded in centuries even thousands of history so it’s not going to change anything soon.

We are going to have to live with it.

The truth is that people have far too much going on to think about you.

The friend or foe instinct occurs for a fraction of a second before the person resumes doing what they were doing. So remember that no one is thinking more about you than yourself. And if they’re, apply the next tactic.

Devil’s Advocate

Let’s play devil’s advocate. Say someone is criticizing/judging you. Ask yourself this:

• Who are they?
• What authority do they have?
• Are they qualified to judge you?

Nothing makes them good enough to judge you. You’re your own person who makes your own decisions.

Remember, the Alif lives in his own world. He is fearless.

Imagine the worst case scenario

Imagine every outcome that can result from it and take steps to mitigate it. This way you’re prepared if the conversation takes a detour. Visualizations and affirmations are a great tool to use.

6. What do I say?

This is the excuse that I fall back on time and time again. It shouldn’t be this complicated and to be honest it, isn’t.

A woman has already formed 80% of her impression about you based on your body language. That is your nonverbal communication. So there is no point trying to focus on the area which contributes to 20% of her impression about you – your speech.

This is classic Pareto’s Principle in action. If you worry about what to say, you’re devoting a majority of your energy chasing the 20%.

Additionally, she’s not even paying attention to what you’re saying.

During the first cycles of conversation, she is sizing you up. She knows it’s an excuse to talk to her.

My suggestion is to focus on the 80% and let your body talk for you.

7. I’m not wealthy enough

If you think you impress women with money, that couldn’t be further from the truth.

You don’t need to qualify yourself for her.

You’re bank account doesn’t have to resemble a phone number in order to speak to girls. You need more than wealth to build an emotional connection. You might have the cars, the 6 figure job, the perfume and property but none of that matters if your personality is like an olive.

Conclusion

Speaking to women shouldn’t be difficult.

Sadly, through our upbringing we’ve indirectly placed handicaps on ourselves. These barriers could prevent you from starting a loving, meaningful relationship.

Hopefully, you reach the end feeling inspired that you can overcome these barriers and find that special somebody.